Something I’ve been struggling with

Lately, time has been something I can’t stop thinking about. Since my diagnosis, it’s felt different. More real. More limited. I had to learn that the hard way.

It almost feels like both a blessing and a curse—to understand how fast everything goes, how short life can be, yet how slow some days still feel. That contrast confuses me. And if I’m being honest, it scares me a bit too.

Trying to live in the moment while also planning for the future can feel almost impossible.

No matter where I put my time: work, relationships, health, hobbies, it rarely feels like enough. There’s always something else I feel like I should be doing.

Sometimes I catch myself on my phone longer than I want to be, or in places I don’t really want to be. And I beat myself up for it.

It turns into this quiet pressure I put on myself—to be more productive, to be more intentional, to figure out how to enjoy life and be present, while still being realistic.

It can feel overwhelming. Suffocating at times. And it pulls me away from the present moment, which I know is sometimes the best place to be.

What bothers me is that before my diagnosis, I planned. I had goals that were five, ten years out. I was building toward something. Investing in it. And sacrificing my time—putting certain things off, assuming I could always do them later, in my 30s or 40s.

And then life threw its curveball.

The truth is, there’s so much we all want out of life.

To travel. To be present with family. To build something meaningful. To surround ourselves with the right people. To experience new things. But all of those require time, and how much we’re given isn’t something we can totally control.

What I’ve realized, especially when I was forced to face my own mortality, is that when I look back, time doesn’t feel clear or structured. It’s blurry. Moments blend together.

The things I thought would matter… don’t always stand out.

And that’s where I’ve been stuck.

Trying to make the most of what I have.

Trying to create memories that last while also figuring out how to build a life, build a career, and simply keep moving forward. It feels like a constant pull in different directions.

I know this might sound a little all over the place, but this week I just wanted to write about something I’ve been trying to make sense of.

Next week, I want to write about how I’m finding balance between being present, trusting my gut, and building a future—well, at least how I’m trying to.